


Until You Come to Me

by marvellingyou (tourmalinex)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes-centric, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Not A Fix-It, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Canon Compliant, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Steve Rogers-centric, the other avengers are there too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-20 01:44:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19367647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tourmalinex/pseuds/marvellingyou
Summary: Steve was many things, andmeekwasn’t one of them. He was always a little shit, running his mouth and getting into trouble. But it was never without reason. Steve believed in justice, in doing the right thing.Or, an alternate ending to Endgame, where Steve dies instead of Tony, and Clint sacrificed himself instead of Natasha.





	Until You Come to Me

They won.   
  
Somehow, Steve managed to pry the stones from the gauntlet. Thanos had said he was inevitable, but his words couldn't wipe the smirk off of Steve's face.   
  
"I can do this all day."   
  
With a snap, Steve brought down Thanos and his army, turning them to dust, leaving them to dissolve in the wind. A wave of relief washed over the Avengers, some even slumping to the ground, to finally feel at rest. Tony, in particular, heaved a sigh, near tears. He turned around, looking for Steve, but froze when he saw him sitting down, leaning against a pile of rocks.   
  
"Hey, Cap. We won," Tony said, walking over to Steve. He knelt next to him, not knowing what to make of Steve's blank expression.   
  
"Cap?"   
  
He shook Steve by the shoulder.   
  
"Steve?"   
  
The stubborn captain struggled to breathe. He wanted to say something, but the words couldn't come out--it was too painful. When their eyes met, the realization crashed onto Tony, like violent waves upon the shore.   
  
"You... You said if we won, we'd win together." Tony heard footsteps approaching, but he didn't bother to turn around. "We beat him, Steve!" he shouted. "We  _ won _ god damn it!"   
  
Pepper brought her hands to Tony's shoulders, gently pulling him away from Steve. But Tony wouldn't have it. He wouldn't let it end like this.   
  
"He looked for you!"   
  
Pepper shook her head and pressed herself against his back, fighting against her tears.   
  
"My dad didn't look for you so you could die here!"   
  
From the corner of Tony's view, Bucky and Sam stepped forward. Sam held a distant expression, as if none of this was real, tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. Sam wanted so badly for this to be a nightmare. Bucky, on the other hand, did his best to hold his composure, despite looking as if the wind itself could knock him down. Bucky knelt and reached out one hand, cupping Steve's face.   
  
"Hey," Bucky said gently, his voice thick with sadness. "It's gonna be okay, Stevie. Say hi to 'em for me, alright? Go ahead, you got a date, remember?"   
  
For a moment, the corners of Steve's mouth tugged into a smile. Although his eyes were brimming with tears, Bucky smiled back, long enough for Steve to close his eyes one last time. The sounds of sniffling and stifled cries surrounded him as he pulled Steve's body close, cradling his best friend in his arms.   
  
Bucky encapsulated the sorrow of the entire universe in one, unyielding cry.   
  
Tony didn't know such a sound could come out of a man.   


* * *

 

Over the next few days, Bucky was asked many questions, more than he'd like.    
  
Where did Steve want to be laid to rest?   
  
What kind of casket would be best?   
  
Or did Steve want to be cremated?   
  
Did he want a small funeral? Would he have wanted a mass?   
  
Bucky wanted to punch through the coffee table. He knew everyone was trying to help, but there would never be any recovery from this. Once the room was gradually filled with silence--mostly on Bucky's part--the team filed out of the room, except for two men.   
  
As Bucky combed a hand through his hair, he heard drinks being poured. He looked up and saw Tony approaching him, a glass of whiskey in each hand. Tony offered one, and despite his hesitance, Bucky took the drink.   
  
"If you're like him, it's not gonna do anything for you," Tony said with a wry smile. "He drank liquor made for  _ gods _ and he didn't get drunk. Not one bit."   
  
Bucky almost chuckled. Almost. Of course Steve would try something like that. He brought the glass to his lips, gulping down the whiskey. When he placed the glass down, Bucky sighed and mumbled.   
  
"What?" Tony asked.   
  
"... I loved him."   
  
"We all did."   
  
Bucky shook his head. "No. I  _ loved _ him."   
  
Tony's shoulders dropped. "Oh."   
  
“I promised to protect him.” Bucky smiled bitterly. “I promised his ma on her deathbed that I’d look out for him, that I’d make sure to bail him outta every fight he got in. And that punk picked a fight with everyone. Even when his scrawny ass hit the pavement, Steve stood right back up, fists at the ready. He hated bullies, no matter where they came from.” He knew he was rambling, but he didn’t care. The words were pouring out, escaping from Bucky’s mouth. “He… Steve was the most beautiful person I knew. He was a hero before he was Captain America, all 90lbs of him.” Bucky looked up, trying to blink away at his tears. “But now, Steve’s gone.”

At first, Tony didn't say anything. He wasn’t even sure if he should. But he gave it a shot anyway, figuring he didn’t have much to lose given that he and Bucky weren’t friends to begin with.

“You know… I hated him at first.” Tony sat down next to Bucky and sighed. “I was sure that my dad cared more about Steve than me. He always talked about him, praising everything Steve did. When we met to defend New York and well, the world… we didn’t see eye to eye. He always had to be right. But after a while, I saw what made him a great leader and a great friend.” He turned towards Bucky, making sure that he was still paying attention. “I’m just gonna say it. I still don’t forgive you.”

Bucky winced. He never expected Tony to, but hearing it still hurt.

“You took my parents away from me.” Tony leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest.  “But clearly, you were important to Steve. So… look, he was my friend and… you being all important to him… I guess I can tolerate you.”

Before Bucky could say anything, Tony smacked his back, nearly pushing Bucky off the sofa. He stood straight up and sighed. “Good talk,” he said, trying to make a quick break towards the door.

“Tony.”

He turned around, reluctant. “Yeah?”

Bucky smiled softly. “Thank you.”

Tony shrugged and left the room.

* * *

 

Bruce suggested that they have two services: a small, private mass, and a public vigil. Despite Bucky’s opinion that Steve would want to be buried like a normal person, he knew part of him was being selfish. He didn’t want to share such a private moment of laying Steve to rest. But he wasn’t the only one mourning Steve, and there was no denying that Steve as Captain America was an icon, an example to follow and aspire to. Bucky knew children and adults alike admired him, so who was he to take that away? In the end, he agreed to both.

The hardest decision was whether or not Steve would be in a casket or be cremated. Again, if Bucky had his way, Steve would be cremated and his ashed would be placed in an urn, sitting on a small table surrounded by flowers in Bucky’s new apartment. But that wasn’t fair--Steve wasn’t his to keep. 

The vigil, while feeling semi-artificial due to Steve’s status as Captain America, was nicer than Bucky imagined. The crowd that gathered at Central Park was polite, clearly holding reverence for the fallen captain. Candles were passed out and flames were shared. Bucky thought Steve would be touched by the kindness people shared with each other. 

“As you all know,” Tony began. “We’ve gathered here this evening to honor the life of Captain Steve Rogers, known to many as Captain America. What can I say about him? Steve had true grit. His courageousness was unparalleled, and he always fought for what was right. But even more than that, Steve was our friend, a part of our family that will be missed dearly.” As Tony cleared his throat, his eyes began to water. “There’s someone here who I think we should hear from.”

Bucky perked up from his seat. Tony gestured for him to come up as Sam elbowed him.

“If you want, we can stand next to you,” Sam offered quietly as Natasha gave him a small smile. Bucky nodded. 

He could do this.

Tony stepped away, letting Bucky adjust the mic. As he pulled out a folded piece of paper from his pocket, Sam stood behind him and patted his shoulder while Natasha linked her arm with his. He looked out into the crowd, taking in all the faces staring back at him. 

“I’m Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. I… I’ve known Steve since we were kids, and I can say with confidence that he was a hero before the serum. I first met him on the schoolyard, confronting an older kid that stole his classmate’s lunch when no one else batted an eye. Even though he was small and far from healthy, Steve always stood up for those in trouble. From that moment on, I admired him.” 

_ Since that day, I loved him. _

Bucky’s breathing hitched, but he continued. He could do this.

“Steve was never one to give up, for better or worse. He was kind, considerate, and he’ll… he’ll always be my best friend. I’ll miss him… m-more than words can describe.” 

Sam moved his hand to Bucky’s back, rubbing in circles as tears threatened to spill from Bucky’s eyes. Meanwhile, Natasha kept her gaze on him, as if to say, “Don’t worry. Nothing can hurt you. We’re here.” 

He  _ needs _ to do this.

But words are failing him. Bucky’s heart is beating too fast. His throat went dry, and yet he needed to scream, to scream at the heavens. The magnitude of loss was too much, too immobilizing. 

He can’t do this.

Bucky saw himself, staring down at his feet as Sam and Natasha’s voices echoed. Everything was so far away, so out of reach. At some point, he returned to his seat, and then he ended up in his bed. 

Even though he had no intention to stop, Bucky couldn’t remember at which moment he started crying.

Steve’s private funeral had a small gathering, just as intended. 

Sam. Tony and his family. Nat. Thor. Bruce. T’Challa. Shuri. Peter Parker. The Guardians of the Galaxy. Scott and Hope. Fury.

Bucky stood to the left of the casket, lifting with his right arm. He wanted-- _ needed _ \--a real part of him to be connected to Steve. This was gonna be the last time he could be this close. The next time he’d visit Steve, they would be separated by six feet of dirt--not too far, but far enough.

The mass itself was quite nice, every word said with sincere reverence. After receiving communion, Bucky went back to the pew and knelt, unsure of what to pray for. Since witnessing the horrors of war, he hadn’t been a praying man--though he wasn’t sure if he was one to begin with. His first thought was to be reunited with Steve as soon as possible, but Bucky knew Steve wouldn’t want that. He knew Steve would want him to live out his life, whether it was with or without him there. He heaved a sigh, then rested his forehead against his folded hands.

_ Steve, I hope you get to see everyone. The Howlies. Peggy. Howard. Sarah. If you see my family, give them extra love for me.  _

Once the mass concluded and Bucky, along with the other pallbearers, brought Steve back to the hearse, Bucky got into Sam’s car with Natasha. The ride was quiet, thank god. Bucky wasn’t sure how much he could take. Never in a million years did he think he had to bury Steve--for some reason, Bucky always thought--hoped--that he’d be the one to go first. Well, at least, in the grand scheme of things. Between all the fights Steve got himself into, and all the fever scares, Steve managed to get through it all. Maybe Bucky was foolish to think that Steve could make it out of the war against Thanos, too.

Thankfully, it was a sunny day. Although it was impossible to get a plot next to Sarah and Joseph, they managed to find a plot that was close enough. As Steve’s casket was being lowered in the ground, everyone took a flower from a bouquet that Bruce was holding and placed it in the grave. There wasn’t a dry eye within the group as the flowers fell on top of the casket. Bucky watched numbly, each breath growing shakier than the last as they groundskeepers filled the hole with dirt. He wanted to scream, to have it all stop. But when they patted down a fixed rectangle of grass, it was the end of Bucky’s world. 

Everyone left, the group trickling down until it was just Bucky, Sam and Natasha left. 

“We’ll wait in the car,” Sam said as he patted Bucky’s shoulder.

“Take all the time you need.” Natasha gave Bucky a quick peck on the cheek before joining Sam.

Bucky let out a shaky sigh. He could be there all day, staring at the headstone. 

Steven Grant Rogers

“Blessed are those who

hunger and thirst for righteousness”

There was some debate on what should have been engraved. Initially, the suggested quote was “blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth,” the thought being that Steve went from a sickly kid from Brooklyn to a super soldier. Bucky laughed at the idea--the first time he truly laughed after Steve died. Steve was many things, and  _ meek _ wasn’t one of them. He was always a little shit, running his mouth and getting into trouble. But it was never without reason. Steve believed in justice, in doing the right thing. So Bucky advocated for the quote that was now etched under Steve’s name. Everyone agreed unanimously. 

“Hey, Stevie,” he whispered. “I’m gonna miss you, more than I can say. You… you meant so much to me. I’m sorry I didn’t say it while you were here, but I love you. I love you so fucking much. You were all I could think about, a-and…”

Bucky attempted to swallow a sob but failed.

“I love you, Steve. I’m sorry I never told you. I’m so sorry. I love you.”

While it was freeing to let it out, to say it out loud, Bucky cried, knowing he had to accept that he’ll never hear Steve’s response.

* * *

 

Most nights, Bucky would wake in a cold sweat, reliving the day Steve died in his dreams. They never tell you that when you touch someone as they die, a fierce coldness travels from your hand to your very core. Even though Bucky spent a lot of time on ice, it could never compete against the raw intensity of feeling Steve leave him.

But tonight was different, somehow. Bucky found himself walking about the cemetery, the only living person wandering past each headstone. The ground was moist, not that Bucky cared about the mud collecting at the soles of his shoes. With New York being the City That Never Sleeps, Bucky heard cars passing by, but he knew he was alone, surrounded by graves. Each one had a story, and as cruel as it sounded, Bucky only focused on Steve, whose life ended before it started. 

Bucky slowly wandered but came to a slow halt when he heard soft humming. He closed his eyes, focusing on the melody. It was familiar, but he couldn’t quite place the tune. That is, until the voice started singing.

“ _ And I shall hear, though soft you tread above me. _ ” The voice echoed throughout the cemetery. Bucky knew this voice. He looked around, hoping that he was right. “ _ And all my grave will warmer, sweeter be. _ ”

He picked up the pace, each step heavy as Bucky rushed towards where Steve was buried. The closer he got, the louder the voice became.

“ _ For you will bend and tell me that you love me, _ ” the voice sang. “ _ And I shall sleep in peace until you come to me. _ ”

A blonde man stood at Steve’s headstone, looking at the ground. As Bucky approached from behind the man, he turned around. Despite wanting to speak, even if just a word for confirmation, Bucky’s throat went tight, rendering him unable to even whisper. His lips parted, but no words came out.

“Hey, Buck.”

He blinked a few times, tears threatening to fall. Bucky stepped forward, his hands reaching out. He needed to feel Steve, to know that this was real, and not a dream. But the closer Bucky stumbled towards him, the further Steve seemed to get. And yet, Steve never stopped smiling, his expression calm.

“Please…” Bucky choked out. “Please don’t go… don’t leave me.”

In an instant, the Steve he saw on the battlefield turned in the Steve he always knew--scrawny, with bruised knuckles and oversized clothes. 

“I’m still here, Bucky,” Steve said, still smiling. “I’m staying right here, and I’ll wait for you, no matter how long it takes.”

Bucky kept walking, despite the growing distance between them.

“Steve, I love you.” Bucky’s voice wavered as tears fell freely. “You’re the love of my life.”

“I know.” A blush tinted Steve’s pale face. “I love you, too. I’m… I’m sorry I had to go. But I know you’ll be okay.”

Bucky shook his head. He wanted to tell Steve how angry he was, how his recklessness always threw Bucky into a panic. But at the same time, he just wanted to pull Steve into a long-desired embrace. If he just got to hold Steve, they could argue about his impulsiveness later. Just when Bucky thought he was close enough, that he could actually  _ touch _ Steve, the love of his life turned into petals. The flowery remains swirled around Bucky before settling to the ground, where they stayed lifeless.

Tears pooled in his eyes when Bucky woke from his dream. He sat up in his bed and rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. Sunlight filtered through the curtains. It was another lonely morning, and it would be another lonely day.

But someday, far into the future, Bucky wouldn't be lonely anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> This idea had been stirring in my mind since Endgame came out. Sorry there isn’t really a mention of Clint, as this was meant to be about Steve, but I might write a separate, companion fic focusing on Natasha dealing with Clint’s death. 
> 
> The title of the fic comes from Danny Boy, which I felt was a fitting song. 
> 
> So yeah, lots of sadness. If you want more depressing fics, check out my ongoing [series](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1344085), or my in-progress fic [sing one we know](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18792829/chapters/44588821). If you want something fluffy, check out another in-progress work, [where the music's playing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17927270/chapters/42331706).
> 
> Hope that this was an enjoyable read, despite the pain. See y'all next time!


End file.
